"Isn't it illegal to cut up the flag?" - Betsy Jobs

"Not if you sew it back together." - Arlene Lorenzo

"Dick" Columbia Pictures/1999

I love "Dick". Written before Mark Felt revealed himself as Bob Woodward's mysterious informant, this film is an overlooked gem.

The story opens on a close-up shot of a piece of paper in a typerwriter, only the typist isn't Carl Bernstein. It's Betsy Jobs and she is helping girlfriend Arlene Lorenzo compose a fan letter. Arlene lives in the Watergate Hotel with her mother. The letter is an entry for a "Win a Date with Bobby Sherman" contest and the thing must be postmarked by midnight. After the letter is finished, Arlene and Betsy sneak out to deposit it in a postal bin just outside the hotel. To prevent them from being locked out, Arlene covers the door bolt with tape. On the way back, in the stairwell, the girls encounter a creepy old guy who admonishes them for being up so late. The night is an historic one, June 17, 1972. The night Watergate security guard Frank Wills discovered a piece of tape disabling a knob-lock and D.C. Police arrested five men for breaking into Democratic Party Headquarters.

Later, during a school-sponsored field trip to the White House, Arlene and Betsy see the creepy old man again. They notice him because "that guy has a piece of T.P. stuck to his shoe"! Instead of thanking the girls for saving him embarrassment, the old man freaks out and informs the White House chief of staff that he saw the same two girls on the night of the break-in. The creepy old man is G. Gordon Liddy. The chief of staff is Bob Haldeman. Haldeman questions the young women and in the process, they meet President Richard Nixon. In an effort to keep his enemies close, Nixon bestows upon Arlene and Betsy the title of "Official White House Dog Walkers". Hilarity and political fantasy ensue.

I love "Dick" because in it, no Watergate-era player escapes the satire. Woodward and Bernstein are not the Redford/Hoffman dream team we saw in "All the President's Men". In "Dick", Will Ferrell is Woodward and his character is constantly trying to ditch tag-along puppy Carl Bernstein (Bruce McCulloch). Harry Shearer gives us a Gordon Liddy that is both paranoid and ridiculous. Saul Rubineck enacts a grumbling Henry Kissinger, unappreciated and pissed that L.B.J. left behind Vietnam. Dave Foley personifies Haldeman as the classic guy in a cheesy-dark suit, except with a flattop. Dan Hedaya gifts us all with a Nixon so perfect, so malevolently clueless that Dan Ackroyd and Anthony Hopkins should hang their heads in shame. In the end, the president and his men are defeated by one of the most powerful forces in nature: teenage girls.

I love "Dick" because as time goes by, people forget the details of history. Villains become two-dimensional. Heroes are reborn without sin. Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein did not slay the Dick monster alone. The events that led to the resignation of Richard M. Nixon happened successively and progressively. From the fear sparked by Daniel Ellsberg and the Pentagon Papers, to the establishment of the secret slush fund, to the creation of the 'Plumbers', to the break-in(s) and all the way through the trials, hearings, investigations, resignations, firings and recorded tapes, Richard Nixon remained president. The full tale of Watergate shows us that fate decides the hand, no matter how well one rigs the game. To me, Arlene and Betsy symbolize fate, not Mark Felt.

The real, true reason security guard Frank Wills called the cops on that night in June wasn't because he found tape wrapped over a door lock. Wills had already found tape, wrapped over the lock, earlier that night. He removed it the first time, thinking that some Watergate tenant had done it. Wills called D.C. police because later, one of the burglars replaced the tape. Who replaced the tape? What went through his mind? Did more than one man discover that the lock fix had been unfixed? Was there a discussion and a decision made? If you had been a Watergate burglar and had come upon your jimmied lock, all clean and sparkly, what would you have done? There was no one around. The garage was quiet and dark. Would you have re-taped the door? Fate.

Yes, Woodward and Berstein toiled diligently to uncover the truth behind the burglary. Another truth is that they would never have been allowed to continue the expose without the support of editor Ben Bradlee and Washington Post owner, Katherine Graham. What gets lost in the short version are other integral occurrences, that had nothing to do with "Woodstein's" footwork.

After Judge John Sirica had found the five burglars guilty, one of them (Frank McCord) tried to give a letter to the judge in private. Sirica decided that he would not open the letter privately and would instead, have it read in open court. In the letter, McCord confessed that the burglars were acting on orders from the White House. See what fate did there? Not only did fate give Woodward and Berstein jobs at a paper owned by an amazing woman, fate gave America John Sirica - a man that knows how to play cards. Later in the game, fate blesses us with Alexander Butterfield. This poor sap was just an innocent schlub that ran security for the White House. Questioning him was an afterthought for the Senate Watergate committee. By this time, July 1973, Haldeman and Ehrlichman had resigned. John Dean had turned senate witness against Nixon. It looked like Tricky Dick might actually escape when out of the blue, in front of the senate, Butterfield mentioned that the White House had a secret taping system. Nixon stayed in office for an entire year, an entire year, after Butterfield delivered the mortal wound. Only fate could have been responsible for a Supreme Court willing to tell Richard Nixon to follow the law and turn over his tapes. When the recordings were released, the entire country heard a president that cursed profusely and was a complete bigot. One particularly damning tape starred Nixon and Haldeman in a discussion on how to pay off the Watergate burglars.

As Betsy Jobs (Kirsten Dunst) and Arlene Lorenzo (Michelle Williams) say in the film: "You're a bad man! We heard that tape! You kicked Checkers and you have a potty mouth!"

In 1974 I was Arlene and Betsy. I was a teenage girl who watched Richard Nixon resign and felt bad about it. I felt sad for America. The people they told us to trust had lied to us and let us down. I had been to Washington with my family. We toured the White House. Richard Nixon was our president and there he was, on the verge of tears, resigning in disgrace. I knew he was a crook. I knew my country had just been through a massive social movement and an unnecessary war. At that moment, during that speech in August 1974, I believed it was the worst day in the history of the United States. The people around me applauded and cheered but they were grownups. They didn't understand.

The line Betsy says during Dick's resignation is for me, particularly heart-breaking: "They'll never lie to us again." Oh, fate.

I'm not going to write anymore Year Zero posts. No more comparing Watergate players to modern-day administration counterparts. After writing that Joe Wilson is Daniel Ellsberg and Dick Cheney is Spiro Agnew, you and I both knew where it was going. There's only one comparison left and I just can't do it. I can't bring myself to match Richard Nixon with George W. Bush. Tricky Dick was a one-man machine. Everything that was done, was done for his sake. George Bush is part of monolithic cabal that doesn't just cheat, they practically own the casino. This time there are many Dicks and the game is rigged. People are getting fucked and robbed and tortured and killed. The President and his men were saints compared to this current cadre of crooks.

Dick almost got away with Watergate but not quite. Sure, Ford pardoned him and he never had to stand trial, pay fines or go to jail. In later life, Nixon reclaimed some respect. Pundits praised his trip to China and his creation of the EPA. Regardless of that, Richard Nixon will forever be the president who resigned because he ordered a third-rate burglary. Just the same, the man knew when to fold his cards and leave the game.

Don't think the similarities of Bush and Nixon have alluded me. Both men became entrenched in a losing war. Both had cronies manipulating the game behind the scenes. Both were caught carrying out petty vendettas against enemies. Both had criminal Vice Presidents and Attorney Generals. Both took money under the table from special interests. Both men lied to the electorate. But those are skeletal similarities. The motivations of these two men are as dissimilar as hearts and diamonds. For all his selfish insanity, Richard Nixon held reverence for America. George Bush is selfish and insane and holds no reverence for this country.

Once again, we have something we had in Nixon's era. We have a Democratic Congress. We also have a populace that is disgusted with the war, the waste and the greed of the Bush/GOP beast. George's job approval rating is plummeting down to Dick's worst levels. We've got a New Year with a new Senate and House. Hopefully, there will be hearings and trials and minor details that sway the fates in our favor. Watergate burglar, James McCord, titled his book "A Piece of Tape" because that minor detail decided the fate of Richard M. Nixon. Alexander Butterfield said two words (taping system) and the chips were lost.

Nixon inherited a country torn by war and civil unrest. He was an unlikable guy and a crappy kingpin but he was self-made, with decades of political street cred. George Bush inherited his fortune and the presidency of a peaceful and prosperous country. He is a likeable guy that started a war with a lie and a smile. He's emptied the treasury with a wink and a smirk. An entire city was destroyed and he kept on picking. Thousands of sons and daughters are dead and he just grins. Richard Nixon left office a broken man. George Bush is breaking America.

No more Year Zero posts. No more Dick. George is a dick but he is not Dick. George has a Dick and that dick used to work for the old Dick but George's Dick is a bigger dick than old Dick ever was. They're all dicks, really. I leave you to the fates, you dicks. For it is in the words of an imaginary teenage girl named Betsy Jobs, that I find my mantra:

"You can't let Dick rule your life."